Where are you Hiding?
On March 14, 2012, I set out on a weight loss journey, but not because I wanted to improve my health or look good is a swimsuit on which I had my eye. No, that was not my motivation. At that time, I felt that my life was spinning out of control and I wanted to take back control of it. I was going through an ugly divorce, and I was working a job where I didn’t feel appreciated. I was being compensated well, but I wasn’t assigned leadership roles.
I had worked hard to get a good education and had many years of experience as a project manager. I felt annoyed that with all of my qualifications, I was being given administrative tasks.
I remembered years earlier how in control I’d felt when I lost 50 pounds following the Weight Watchers program, and so I decided to sign up again. In just 13 months, I lost 75 pounds. And boy, did I feel in control.
When I was overweight, people didn’t notice me. And that was okay. But when I started losing weight, people noticed and began to comment. I felt exposed. On one hand, it felt good to be recognized. On the other hand, it was very uncomfortable.
I wanted to hide when people commented on my weight loss or said that I was looking good. It was awkward at first, but soon I learned to accept the compliments, saying simply “thank you.”
About a year after I’d lost the weight I still was trying to hide. I didn’t see a size 4 women when I looked in the mirror. I saw someone who was more substantial. I bought clothes that were too large and which were uncomfortable to wear. Gradually over the next year or so, my mind caught up with my body and began to see it for the size that it was. I started buying clothes that fit well, and I felt good when I wore them. Even though I felt I was standing out, I wore my new clothes confidently. I told myself I’d worked hard to achieve my weight loss so I might as well enjoy it. I embraced my transformation, and I started to accept myself.
Now seven years later, being this smaller size seems normal to me. Many people I know now have never known me as a larger person. Yet this transformation was the start of my standing out, and dancing to the beat of my own drum.
At age five, I started on a journey of conformity because I didn’t want to be different. Forty years later, I set out on a seemingly different journey to take back control over my life. But the fact is, these journeys are interconnected.
After I shed my excess weight, I saw my life begin to change dramatically. It was a turning point for me. But I didn’t fully understand until I sat down to write this how these journeys have brought me full circle. One path made me lose sight of who I was and what I had to offer. The other helped me find myself again and share my gifts.
