Self-talk: Help or Hindrance?

How what you unconsciously say to yourself creates what you experience, good or bad

Is shyness a curse?

Today is market day in my new French village of Céret, France, and it is an excellent opportunity to get out and mingle with locals, tourists, and merchants. While shopping for fruits and veggies, I tried two new things today. I tasted the delicious aioli, hand-made on the spot, by a woman selling mixers. The garlic-based spread was delicious.

The second thing I did was that I found the courage to strike up conversations with strangers.

If you happen to be an extravert, this might seem like no big deal, but for me, it takes effort, especially when I’m doing it in a language that is not my mother tongue. I think about starting a conversation and I hesitate. Often, I wind up not saying a word. Living in a foreign country alone can lead to feelings of isolation and feeling afraid to break the ice with strangers does not help this any.

“I can strike up a conversation anywhere, with anyone,” my friend Brant said to me just yesterday. “I simply say, Hi.”

“My problem is I’m shy. I find it hard to meet new people.” As soon as those words left my mouth, I was reminded of something Louise Hay mentioned in a video I’d seen recently. She’d said that anything we say, positive or negative, is an affirmation, and causes us to have the experiences we live.

Self-talk can help us or hurt us. Take your pick.

I want to meet more people and begin to lay down roots here, but with an affirmation like “my problem is I’m shy” I’m going to have a tough road ahead of me.

My conversation with Brant and this recollection of Louise Hay’s wisdom created an awareness in me. I needed to say more positive things to myself and take action on those things. So I set the intention to start conversations by merely saying “hi.” And, I was going to start while at the market.

After purchasing some organic cucumbers, a huge bright red, beefsteak tomato, and a couple of white zucchinis, I headed down the last stretch of vendors situated on both sides of the street. A bit disappointed in myself that I hadn’t had an actual conversation, I meandered through the crowd and took in the smells — curry, cheeses, and ripe melons — and felt a deep sense of gratitude for my life here.

Hidden behind a woman who was selling straw baskets, I saw the open door of an art exhibition space. I’d passed it many times before, but I’d never ventured in. Today I almost walked past it again, but something told me to go in! Start a conversation! I doubled back and went inside.

I scanned the walls upon which hung brightly colored loosely abstract acrylic paintings. The one that caught my eye measured two and a half feet by two feet, a dab of bright red adorned the center representing a woman’s lips. Above the woman’s head was a free-spirited bird in cobalt blue.

“Bonjour, madame,” the artist greeted.

“Bonjour,” I replied, continuing in French, “is this your work? It’s beautiful.”

The conversation went on from there and lasted about ten minutes. She was indeed the artist and her name was Virginie. I learned that she lives in Bordeaux and that her exhibition will end on Tuesday. She started her painting career in New York when she was nineteen years old. We exchanged cards, and then I left feeling satisfied. I hadn’t started the conversation, but I’d connected, had the opportunity to chat in French, and make a new acquaintance.

I left the exhibit and continued down the street. I found myself strolling beside an older woman for a little stretch. It felt awkward to be walking in such proximity to her for so long, so, instead of speeding up to get rid of the discomfort I felt, I said, “Bonjour.”

She looked up from the ground and replied, “Bonjour.” Then she went on to say, “I didn’t see you. I was looking at the ground.”

“It’s always good to look down because sometimes there is dog crap in the street.” I commented.

She smiled, agreed, and then said, “I fell and broke my leg, so now I always look at my feet.”

Picturing her slipping on dog poop, I asked, concerned, “You feel because you stepped in dog poop?”

Her eyes caught mine as she laughed and said, “Oh no.”

We parted ways a minute later, wishing each other good day.

Several minutes later, I had a conversation with a Catalan Baker and the woman who, a few months earlier, had sold me the backdrop I now use for my videos.

I had set an intention to make conversation and to stop affirming my inability to do this. The universe rewarded me with these delightful conversations which boosted my confidence and courage for the next time.

Steps to affirm and create what you want to experience

Questions to ask yourself

1. What behaviors would you like to exhibit in your life but aren’t currently exhibiting?

2. What are you telling yourself about your ability to behave in that way?

3. What characteristics are you affirming that you have or don’t have that keep you from showing up that way?

Actions to take

Here are three things you can do right now that will help you to show up more aligned with how you want to.

• Recognize your desired state of being.
• Become aware of the unconscious, disempowering things you tell yourself which hold you back from your desired way of being.
• Stop affirming what you don’t want and take action on what you do want!

In the unexpected and delightful conversations I had today, I learned that the universe responds to my slightest willingness and supports my smallest actions.