Resentment is a Cross You Don’t Have to Bear
A Story of Forgiveness
At age 17, Carol Adams was the ear witness to the murder of her mother at her father’s hands. This event changed her life and has helped countless others who have been victims of domestic violence. Carol dedicated her life to being a law enforcement officer to give victims a voice.
I had the opportunity to interview Carol Adams of the Carol Adams Foundation for my podcast and she shared her story with me. What was most astounding to me about her story was her capacity to forgive. When her father, who only served 18 to 24 months for the murder, fell ill and was dying of lung cancer, Carol was by his side to the end.
She had forgiven him as a person and let go of the anger and resentment she had held toward him because of his actions. She was able to see him as more than a murderer or a chronic domestic abuser.
Though she still is taken back to that day when she recounts the story (you can hear it in her voice during the podcast episode), Carol harbors no remorse nor regrets about how she treated her father. In the end, she was able to close out that chapter in her life.
The forgiveness she was able to embody allowed her to move forward with her life’s purpose and positively impact others’ lives.
When I asked her how she was able to be so big and be there for her father, Carol said that it was what her grandmother had mirrored. Her maternal grandmom welcomed Carol’s father (the man responsible for her daughter’s murder) into her home. He was even welcome to stay for dinner.
I pray that you never have such a horrific tragedy in your life to work through. But we all have felt wronged by someone at some point in our lives. Hopefully, hearing this story of forgiveness helps you see that such forgiveness is possible and that perhaps you will have the capacity, in time, to forgive the people toward whom you feel anger or resentment. Doing so will free you from the internal discord and emotional blocks that keep you from living more peacefully.
My last corporate job was a place where I learned to forgive. Forgive myself, management, and my circumstance. I’d taken the position out of a belief in lack, lack of faith that I’d get another job soon. I thought I needed that job for the financial security it would grant me. During my first interview, I knew that I’d be hired to work for the hiring manager who first interviewed me. This was a person who thought he knew all the right answers, at least in the interview. He made me aware of that by answering several of the interview questions himself when I hadn’t responded satisfactorily. Even with this, I sensed that my belief in lack would result in this know-it-all becoming my new boss. I knew it would be a cross I’d have to bear.
After the second round of interviews, I landed the job. Even though I did not want to accept it, I could still hear my late mom saying “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” I did not dare to go against this idea, and I accepted the job.
On the one hand, I felt relieved. My job search only lasted for 3 months. On the other hand, I was annoyed that I hadn’t had the strength to hold out for a position and a boss better suited for me. I started that job with feelings of resentment toward my boss and myself. Two weeks into my brand new job, I added another person to my grievance list.
Angela, the Director of another department and peer to my boss, thought I’d overstepped my bounds by following my boss’s instructions, and she sent me a threatening email. When I addressed this attack with my boss, he told me I did not want to poke that hornet’s nest. I was angry and wanted at least an apology and the acknowledgment that I hadn’t done anything wrong. This never came. I avoided Angela and harbored resentment toward her for six months.
Then one day my boss told me I’d be leading a project Angela was sponsoring. “Is there any way you could assign this project to another PM?” I responded.
My boss smiled and assured, “Oh, you’ll be fine. Angela is singing your praises now. In fact, she asked that you lead this project.”
I grumbled about this assignment, but I did not feel I had any choice, so I started the project, begrudgingly. I turned my focus to doing an excellent job for our customers, and to show my manager I could work with someone I did not like. During the first month, Angela treated me respectfully, but I was suspicious. In month two, this continued, and one day as I was seated in Angela’s office she said, “Patricia, you have such a calming sense.”
Had I heard her correctly? Had she said “calming sense” or “common sense?” I smiled to myself, knowing that I had heard her correctly. My energy had a soothing influence that probably felt unthreatening to her and perhaps made her feel safe.
Though I never forgot that email, I dug deep to find the courage to understand that what Angela had done almost a year earlier was not a reflection of who she was capable of being, and I forgave the earlier treatment. I no longer allowed it to interfere with how I felt as I interacted with her. When I let go of my hatred, I felt lighter, and going into work became less stressful.
In time, we forged a friendship.
Just before Angela retired, she invited me to visit her at her summer home, where she would live once she retired. After she retired, we kept in touch by email, and she re-extended her offer. I seriously considered going, but I never went. Had she not been fighting a battle with leukemia which she lost, I think I would have gone.
After she died, I sent a condolence card with a personal note to her husband. I closed out that chapter feeling good about how I showed up to our relationship, and in the end, I thoroughly understood the power of forgiveness.
My act of forgiveness with Angela was only possible because I forgave my situation first. I hadn’t wanted to be at that job, but I had accepted it. In those first months, I recognized I didn’t like how I felt when I was at work or even when I simply thought about it. I was angry with myself for having taken the job and new I had to decide.
I could leave and look for something else, or I could make the best of it. I decided to stay and forgive myself and the situation. I did this by throwing myself into my work and giving 100%, despite the situation. In so doing, Angela liked what she saw and wanted me to lead her project. This opened the door.
Resentment is not a cross we have to bear. Forgiveness frees us from internal turmoil and permits us to show up in ways that allow life to flow more effortlessly, giving us freedom and peace.
