How Can You Create Greater Harmony in Your Life?
Hint: You Core Values Matter!
Life is like a tight rope walk. To make it across, you must remain in balance.
We all have personality traits that, at times, have a positive impact on how we experience life and, at other times, don’t. I’ve learned, over the last few years, to be more open-minded and less judgmental of people and situations. But this creates dilemmas at times. When should I listen to my instincts and move on from a circumstance quickly and when should I wait and see what good might come?
Last week I met Arnaud at an art exhibit. We had a conversation that lasted about twenty minutes. Although he was not my “typical type” (he was a little older than I like to date) he was intelligent, engaging, and I wanted to learn more about him. So after our conversation, we exchanged numbers.
Two days later, we went out for coffee and then to a movie. Arnaud was kind enough, but I was sensing a couple of things about him that didn’t sit right with me. As we walked to the movie theater entrance, he raced far ahead of me, as if he had forgotten we were together. Odd, I thought, but not a deal-breaker. Should there be a connection, I could make him aware of his behavior, and he could potentially change it.
The other thing that was unsettling about him was his tendency to focus on other people’s shortcomings. This cast a cloud of negative energy on our conversation. After about five minutes of hearing what he saw wrong with people and society, I pointed out, “Each of us is on our own path, and we can choose to surround ourselves with those who have more of the qualities we value. It is important that we work on ourselves.”
He continued, almost as if on a rant. But when I pressed and told him that his train of conversation was like a wet blanket and didn’t make me want to continue the date, he seemed to get it. He changed the subject and moved on from it. Despite this temporary negative moment, the rest of our conversation was stimulating; we seemed to have enough in common.
The following day he called to ask me on another date. Even though I felt a little hesitation as I remembered my discomfort during the first part of our last date, I stayed open-minded, thinking that perhaps that conversation was an outlier, and I agreed to see him again.
Part of me did not want to rush to judgment as I have done in the past. I wanted to allow things to unfold. Perhaps they would develop in a way that was different from what seemed would be the logical trajectory. After all, he was able to change the subject and be more positive after I’d pointed out that he was being a downer. Perhaps this unhappy perspective about people he expressed was not an ingrained belief or a constant concern.
So we went out again. And once again, Arnaud’s spoke of his aversion for most of the people he met. “I go to events, but the people are so boring. They are one dimensional. They aren’t big thinkers.”
Ughh, I thought as my energy fell. Our date had just started, and here we were, once again, focusing on others and not on Arnaud, me, or us. I felt unhappy and out of balance and would pay for it over the next couple of hours.
Finding balancing in life takes a bit of trial and error, and we can find ourselves overcorrecting based on events that transpired previously. This was the case for me with Arnaud. I went on two dates with another guy, Jerome, just before I met Arnaud. And I’d stopped seeing Jerome abruptly at the end of the second date. Later, I questioned myself and wondered if I had been unfair or rash in my decision. So in an effort not to be too judgmental when it came time for a second date with Arnaud, I agreed to see him again, to my dismay.
The good news is you can take back balance in your life and experience a greater sense of harmony. It’s as simple as setting meaningful goals based on your core values.
For me, I value ease and flow in my life. When I feel I’m pushing too hard to make something happen, I am not honoring this value. It is a guiding principle which I’m living my life by more often now. When I feel emotionally out of balance, usually, it is because I’m not honoring one of my core values. So now, when I’m feeling out of harmony, I remind myself of the goal I’ve set to honor my values, and how it feels when I’m hitting the mark.
You Can Take back the balance in your life, by making meaningful goals out of your core values.
“Setting a Meaningful Goal” is one of the Three Catalysts for Cultivating Courage. Without this catalyst, it is impossible to take bold action because you are not moving in a focused manner. You don’t have guardrails to guide your decisions and actions and can find yourself unfocused and aimless. So this concept, “You Can Take back the balance in your life, by making meaningful goals out of your core values,” ties directly to this catalyst for cultivating courage.
For me, ease and flow feel calm, warm, and safe. When I’m in alignment with this value, there is a sense of connection to people, the environment, or the experience. Thus my goal is to feel this way in my interactions with others and as I experience life. When I sense that I am feeling the opposite way, it is a trigger for me to remember my goal. I can then determine the best way to move back into harmony with my value and to sense these associated feelings.
Having my core values tied to a meaningful goal of how I want to feel is a check that helps me stay in closer alignment without getting too far out of balance.
To get good at anything in life takes practice and loving-kindness. Staying in balance is no exception. But once you start to make this Courage Concept a part of your daily life, you will feel more in control of what you experience and how you respond.
Here are some questions that will help you implement this concept into your life.
- Think of a time when you felt out of balance. Write down the situation.
- What value(s) were you going against in that situation?
- How did not honoring that value make you feel?
- How do you feel when you are honoring that value?
- Now write out your goal to feel how you feel when you are in alignment with this value. It could be something like:
“When I am experiencing life, and I start to feel ________________ (enter feeling from number 3) I will stop and ask myself what actions can I take that would bring me back to feeling ______________ (enter the good sensations you wrote down for question 4).”
Awareness of your guiding principles is vital to honoring them. By tapping into your feelings and setting meaningful goals around your values and desired emotional state, you become more conscious of your core values. In so doing, you create an internal compass that you don’t have to question.
